The Ficus lyrata has class in the way certain people have trust funds: it never has to say so. It just sits there, all tall and silent and dramatically backlit, like a Scandinavian art dealer who’s above conversation but somehow still gets invited to every dinner party. It’s not the kind of plant you pick up at the grocery store alongside a bag of baby carrots and a tub of hummus. No. This plant doesn’t even see grocery stores. It comes from boutiques with names like Sap & Ceremony or Fern Daddy, where someone in a felt hat explains its emotional needs and offers you a free quartz crystal to help you both adjust. When you buy a fiddle-leaf fig, you’re not purchasing greenery. You’re entering a lifestyle contract. You don’t shove it in a plastic pot and put it next to the fridge. You buy a mid-century planter, possibly ceramic, definitely handmade, and then you style it. You fluff the soil. You mist it like it’s in a high-end spa. You talk about “leaf shine” with the same solemnity other people reserve for talking about wine or premature burial. And let’s be honest: it makes your other plants feel insecure. Put one next to a spider plant and suddenly the spider’s questioning all its life choices. “Should I be taller? Should I try to be less… stringy?” The fiddle-leaf doesn’t answer. It doesn’t need to. It simply exists, radiating quiet judgment and better taste than you’ll ever have.